yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
