the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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