If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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