I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
