I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
