Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
bring money and cleavage
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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