if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
