In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
