I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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