My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
