also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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