"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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