She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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