she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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