you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just cropdusted the office
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
