Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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