Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
