i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He felt like a one man threesome
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
