i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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