My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
