i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
