There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
