I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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