I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
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He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
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I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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