i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
