I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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