he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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