How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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