Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
