just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
