the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
