I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
