you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
