Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
