I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
