naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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