I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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