You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
