You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
