so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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