Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
