I think I died a long time ago.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
the day after is always just damage control
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
