Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i wish my penis had a tongue
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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