So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
