We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
