Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My pussy is not your playground.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
