I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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