my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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