even my farts smell like vagina
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I think I sprained my soul last night
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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