maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
