...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
