You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
