it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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