we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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