Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We need to get me chipped asap
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
