foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
